It's all about the hair!

I have several searches that keep popping up on my stat counter. Most of those people end up at my blog from searching for things like "house smells" or "pictures of food smeared on clothes" (which should tell you a lot about the intelligent types of things we discuss here at Eulallia dot com). However, one search keeps showing up, and I get at least one or two hits from it every day. Apparently people out there are dying to know "how to do a messy ponytail". Unfortunately for them, they end up here, which can't be very helpful. So I have decided to appease the masses and write out some detailed instructions for achieving that popular mussed-up look.

Disclaimer: I have no idea what I am talking about. I am making most of this up as I go along. If you could see my hair right now you would see that I go for the more gross-and-unwashed-messy instead of cute-and-trendy-messy. Heaven help us all.

There are two ways to achieve the messy ponytail. The first way is great for you new moms who don't have any time for the usual washing and grooming. The second way is for you gals with a bit more time and supplies on hand, and who would like to put a little more effort into it.

Messy Ponytails for New Moms

Step one: Make sure you have not washed your hair for the last two days or so. The natural oils will help hold everything in place, eliminating the need for hairspray or mousse.

Step two: Squirt some breast milk or formula on your head and smear it around. This also acts in place of hairspray, but more importantly it gives you that unique and slightly sour mom-smell, which is universally recognized by all veterans of the two am feedings. This smell can, in a pinch, get you to the front of the line at the grocery store as long as you don't mind the pitying tsk-tsk from the old lady who let you cut. For you die-hards, baby puke works great as well.

Step three: Hastily pull your hair back in a rubber band to keep the baby from grabbing it while you're changing his diaper. Put the baby to bed, and collapse in a soft spot somewhere to rest before the night wakings begin. In the morning you should have a fantastically messy and crunchy hairstyle! You'll be able to tell if you did it right by checking the rubber band. Does it slip off easily, or will you have to cut it out later? Need the scissors? Then job well done, my friend!

If this doesn't sound like your cup of tea, here are the instructions for the other way to do it.

Messy Ponytails for People Who Can Take The Time To Make Themselves Look Unwashed and Disheveled

Step one: Comb your hair back with your fingers (this method works well for moms too, since I'm sure your child has either hidden your brush in the dress-up box or recently used it to groom the dog). Use an elastic to gather your hair into a ponytail. I always position mine a bit high on the back of my head, slightly above the level of my ears.

Step two: To make it look casual and haphazard, loosen your hair on the top and sides by gently pulling it out of the elastic (towards your face). Pull enough out so that it doesn't look tight, but not so much that it falls out.

Step three: Pull out some loose strands in the back and in front of your ears so that they are completely out of the elastic, hanging by your face and down the back of your neck. DON'T OVERDO THIS STEP or you might end up looking like this in which case, dude, just start over.

Step four: Finish with your favorite hairspray, and voila! You're done!

Hopefully this information has been helpful to you folks looking for hair advice. And men! Don't think I've forgotten you! Here's a quick tip for my male readers to avoid that hideous "comb over" look: for the love of all that is good and holy JUST SHAVE YOUR HEAD.