Watch It, Girlie
This morning my husband got an email from his ex-girlfriend. The Evil Ex-girlfriend who was Crazy and Mean and who The Whole Family Hated*. It was sent through some strange man's email account, so there was no way of knowing that by clicking on Thomas H D-'s benign little "hi" in the subject line we would yield such frightening results. Why couldn't it have been an ad for ViaGrrrra or Hott Seexy Grrlz? Why couldn't it have been boring old not dredging things up from the past porn? WHY?
Oh, the email was innocent enough. On the surface. But my hackles were immediately raised, and I used my protective wife super powers to read between those angelic lines:
"Hello Ammon, (Calling him by his first name, eh? Cheeky.)
I've been wanting to contact you and just say hi for quite awhile now. (So she's been thinking about him a lot lately!) So I googled you and found this address on the -HS Aumni [sic] site. (Going OUT OF HER WAY to try and find his contact info! Smells like desperation to me.) Did you recieve [sic] the (AA amends) letter I wrote and sent through B-? (Yes, thank you, and if he had wanted to respond by now he would have.) I'd love to hear how you and your family are doing. (Translation: I hope you are divorced and available.) I'm living in Nashville, Yeehaaw! (Translation: Please come visit and have a love child with me.) I love it here. The music in this town is absolutely amazing. (Translation: Since you are a musician you will be happy no where else but here with me where I will feed you peeled grapes and you can forget all about that silly "wife" of yours.) Anyway, I just wanted to reach out, it's been so many years. (Not enough years, if you ask me.) I hope you're filled with God's love and living the life you came here to live. (Woah there, pussycat. That's getting a little deep.)
Many blessings, (Translation: I still love you,)
M---"
(Right here is where she wrote her real email address, not the tricky fake one she used to send it with so we wouldn't automatically hit delete.)
Grrrrrr. Wifey not happy. Wifey MAD. Wifey gonna eat this girl and her sweet little email ALIVE. (Snarl, growl, gnashing of teeth.)
* Not that there aren't a bucket full of crazies in my past, or that Ammon's family liked ME that much at first, either!
Oh, the email was innocent enough. On the surface. But my hackles were immediately raised, and I used my protective wife super powers to read between those angelic lines:
"Hello Ammon, (Calling him by his first name, eh? Cheeky.)
I've been wanting to contact you and just say hi for quite awhile now. (So she's been thinking about him a lot lately!) So I googled you and found this address on the -HS Aumni [sic] site. (Going OUT OF HER WAY to try and find his contact info! Smells like desperation to me.) Did you recieve [sic] the (AA amends) letter I wrote and sent through B-? (Yes, thank you, and if he had wanted to respond by now he would have.) I'd love to hear how you and your family are doing. (Translation: I hope you are divorced and available.) I'm living in Nashville, Yeehaaw! (Translation: Please come visit and have a love child with me.) I love it here. The music in this town is absolutely amazing. (Translation: Since you are a musician you will be happy no where else but here with me where I will feed you peeled grapes and you can forget all about that silly "wife" of yours.) Anyway, I just wanted to reach out, it's been so many years. (Not enough years, if you ask me.) I hope you're filled with God's love and living the life you came here to live. (Woah there, pussycat. That's getting a little deep.)
Many blessings, (Translation: I still love you,)
M---"
(Right here is where she wrote her real email address, not the tricky fake one she used to send it with so we wouldn't automatically hit delete.)
Grrrrrr. Wifey not happy. Wifey MAD. Wifey gonna eat this girl and her sweet little email ALIVE. (Snarl, growl, gnashing of teeth.)
* Not that there aren't a bucket full of crazies in my past, or that Ammon's family liked ME that much at first, either!
November 8, 2005