Help Me, Bob Ross

I think ears should be banned. Nobody really needs their ears, all they do is cause problems, don't you think? I vote for no more ears.

This time last year, we were at the end of our fourth straight month of ear infections. E-- was eight months old, and she had either had simultaneous infections in both ears, or fluid buildup that was turning into an infection since she was four months old. Her eustachian tubes are extremely narrow (as well as her throat, which is why she is prone to bad bouts of croup) and they are unable to drain properly, so any fluid or infection just ends up festering for weeks. She was on antibiotics constantly, but eventually even those stopped helping. By last January, her pain was so constant and intense that she was waking up every forty-five minutes at night, all night long. This went on for a month, people. Ammon and I had long since lost our minds due to sleep deprivation, and the helplessness we felt being unable to ease our daughter's pain was overwhelming. We made the decision for her to undergo surgery to have ear tubes put in. Even though I knew this was the only option that would help her, I still agonized over this decision since it required putting her under a general anesthetic. Every doctor I spoke to reassured me what a simple and routine surgery it was, that no one ever had complications or adverse reactions. This made me worry even more, and I kept thinking about an article I had read once about a little girl who went in for a (very simple, very routine) cleft-repair surgery, and after several complications ended up dying. But I knew that E-- was miserable and suffering, and could even end up with permanent hearing damage if we didn't get those infections under control soon. So we did the surgery. It was very quick, and by the end of that day she was more perked up and happy than we had seen her in months. Her pain was finally gone.

Fast forward eleven months, and here we are in the same boat as last year. E--'s left ear tube fell out a few weeks ago (they are supposed to fall out on their own, but the children are usually old enough by that time to have outgrown ear infections) and since it's been out, she has had two infections in that ear. Her right ear tube is on its way out, as well. Next month we're meeting with a doctor from the audiology department of our local children's hospital to talk about the possibility of a repeat surgery. Even though we've been through this once before, and even a completely different surgery for her hand, I am still finding myself feeling extremely emotional and anxious over this decision. I am a perfectionist parent. I put immense pressure on myself to make the right decision the first time every time, and I have no tolerance for even the smallest mistakes. I blame myself when things go wrong, but I don't always give myself credit when things go right. As you can imagine, this is kind of a stressful way to live. I keep running through every horrible and frightening scenario that may happen during this "simple and routine" surgery, and every tragic outcome ends with my blame. I am her mother. I should therefore have super powers to see into the future and guide my children along the safest path. It sounds like a joke, but I seriously do expect that of myself.

The hardest part about trusting my daughter's medical care to her doctors is how helpless it makes me feel. I lose complete control when she is under the general anesthetic, I can't even be in the room to observe. I have to trust that they know what they're doing. Trust that they are focused, coherent, and that they have her best interests in their minds and hearts. After the surgery on E--'s hand, I wrote, "The absolute powerlessness of handing over your baby to people you've barely just met knowing they're about to cut her open is devastating."

I know we are so very lucky that these are the big medical issues we're dealing with. It could be so much worse, so much more frightening. And believe me, I thank God every day for the beautiful blessings in my life.

But I still worry.

I worry my brain into a useless smoldering lump some days. I actually don't allow myself to watch the news anymore, because when I do I end up worrying so much that it becomes too frightening to leave the house. Some worrying is good, I know this, but when it begins to consume you I think the benefits are buried under the disadvantages. I want to be able to make rational, informed decisions in my life without my emotions grabbing the wheel and sending me careening down a bumpy road filled with fear and uncertainty. I just want some kind of balance, but I have no idea how to get it.

Bob Ross is on TV right now, painting happy little clouds and streams. He calms me. He just said, "If anything ever goes wrong you can always make a bigger bush." This seems very profound, and I think it applies to this situation in some way. I'm just not sure how...