For the most part, I try to feed my family healthy, wholesome food. That means whole wheat bread and pasta, organic macaroni and cheese, sugar-free applesauce, etc. If I shake my head really hard you can hear the granola rattle. When I watch my kids chow down on fresh fruit or a healthy entree (shhh, don't tell anyone about the Costco Dino nuggets) it gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. I feel like I'm being a "good mother." It basically cancels out the not-bathing-my-children-on-a-regular-basis thing.
The only problem with the healthy foods diet is that it can be really expensive. I panic when we have company for dinner because that many people doubles or triples the cost of the meal. So that's why when Ammon's family came to visit last year we took a break from our crunchy hippie diet and served them much more traditional, junk foody-type meals. And that means? Lucky Charms!
Let me digress for a moment. I think you need some background information to fully understand the story I'm about to tell you. My husband is the sixth out of seven children. Right after baby number seven was born, his mom became a single mother (under sad, sad circumstances) and was forced to raise and provide for the entire brood by herself. I have no idea how this incredible woman survived, let alone guided seven confused kids into becoming seven amazing adults, but somehow she did it. As you would expect, their family was dirt poor. So poor that they often relied on the sale of their HOMEMADE BREAD at the local farmer's market to make it through the week.
Imagine grocery shopping with seven kids... ohhhh, I shudder at the thought. Well, to appease her hungry masses while still attempting to meet all of their nutritional requirements, their mother allowed the purchase of ONE box of sugar cereal per shopping trip. One tiny little box for all seven kids to share. Genius! The kids thought they were getting their way, but when they got home and attacked the box, nobody really got more than a bowl full. Now, if you can hold in your mind the image of seven hungry children hunched protectively over their little bowls of cereal, we can continue with my original story.
Lucky Charms! Yes, the magically delicious red box guaranteed to transport you to a colorful world of sugar-frosted ecstacy! Family was in town to witness the church blessing of our brand new baby girl. Two year old A~ was in heaven playing with her cousins and entertaining the adults. And also? Lucky Charms! We cracked open the box on day two and the kids ate a little bit, but our guests preferred the already open box of Trix, so there was about three quarters of a box left when A~ got ahold of it. I was out in the backyard, so I didn't get to witness the spectacle that was a two year old eating an almost full box of cereal all by herself. But when I came back inside she was standing on a chair next to the counter, green marshmallow dust all over her and everything in the near vicinity, and the last handful of cereal stuffed in her mouth. Her eyes had glazed over in what can only be described as a sugar coma. She was a little incoherent, slightly twitchy. And oh, so very, very happy...
At first I was in denial that she had eaten the cereal by herself. Surely an ornery cousin or two must have aided in the consumption? If I had any doubts, however, they were shot to bits later that day during what was to be the first of three eventful diaper changes. It came to my attention that a foul odor was wafting from my child's nether regions, so I set about the business of cleaning her up. She was lying on the floor, and I with wipes at the ready had taken off her soiled diaper. What I saw stunned and confused me. I called to my mother for a second opinion. She walked over to us, looked down, and gasped. Deposited in A~'s diaper was a perfectly pureed pile of guacamole. A beautiful, luminous green, it virtually glowed with promises of tasty Mexican cuisine. I leaned down to sniff the guacamole, still not fully understanding what it was. My nose assured me it was in fact crap, not avocadoes, and suddenly realization dawned on me. This pile of electric green poop was the exact same color as the powdered marshmallow charms that were dusted all over my kitchen counter.
This was one of the most interesting diaper-changing experiences I've ever had, second only to the time a rocket-powered newborn poop shot from A~'s butt all the way from the changing table in the living room to plaster the microwave a few feet away in the kitchen. The only explanation I have as to how my two year old was able to consume that much cereal without puking is genetics. It MUST come from her father, or at least be some sort of familial reincarnation of his childhood. Whatever the reason, however she managed it... I'll never be able to enjoy guacamole with the same ignorant abandon ever again.
