Ugh

We went to see the hand specialist at Children's Hospital this morning and got some yucky bad news. E--'s index finger is not moving as it should. She can bend the top joint, closest to her fingernail, but not any other part. Her skin is also too dry on one side. The doctor said he thinks that one of the tendons was cut, as well as some nerves. She has to have surgery.

When he told me that I said, "This is horrible!" He said, "Well it's not horrible, but it's not the best news." I think I'll be the judge, buttface. I judge that this is horrible.

They took an x-ray in the office and he also thinks there may be a little piece of the tin can left in there. (In case you don't know what I'm talking about, read this) We'll schedule the surgery for this week or next week, and he'll go in and repair whatever damage there is. She'll have to have a cast for a few weeks while she heals, and after that there is still a risk of permanent damage and further surgery. Horrible horrible horrible.

The Devil's Perfume

My husband has had horrible gas lately. I mean really really horrible. Usually I don't mind one or two errant farts, but these have been so consistent and nasty that yesterday I made him promise to leave every time he feels one coming on. Last night, we both went into our bathroom to finish up our nightly routine before heading to bed. Unfortunately, this is also where he had been going to let loose. When we opened the door we were slapped in the face with the raunchiest, most disgusting odor one can possibly imagine. My husband sniffed, making a face. Then he turned to me and said, "Smell that? This is what hell smells like."

The Prayer

The other day A~ went outside and sat down sadly on the front porch. Ammon went out to see if she was ok, and she told him, "I'm offering myself up to God."

Woah. What the...?

After some gentle probing, I discovered that her teacher at preschool (a Christian school) told her last year that if you're ever sad or lonely you can "offer" yourself to God and he will make you feel better. So that's what she did, and she was very disappointed that God didn't come help her. Cue heartbreaking parental moment.

We talked about the ways that God could answer prayers, and I think she understood what I was trying to teach her. On one hand, it was so sad to see her sitting out there, alone and shoulders slumped, "offering" herself to God. But on the other hand, I'm so glad that she remembered God during a time she felt lonely. I never had that growing up, and I really felt like something was missing. The greatest comfort I've found in the religion I chose as an adult is the knowledge that I'm NEVER alone. There is always someone there who loves and understands me, no matter what. I'm so glad she will have that in her life starting from when she is young.

Yesterday; A Saga

Yesterday was an... interesting day. It started out so great! We packed up the kids and the piles of stuff and went up to Big Four Mountain to hike to the ice caves. It's a great hike for kids; little E-- even walked a good part of the way.



The forest was beautiful, with giant trees swaying high above us and sweet-smelling streams trickling under the bridges that were frequent along the trail. We sang songs and told stories until we reached the top where we found ourselves in a large clearing. Directly across from us towered the gigantic caves of ice, and suddenly the air became crisp and frigid. We bundled up and ate a snack, and the girls got a chance to touch (and lick!) the ice.



On the way back to the car, E-- fell asleep in the backpack and A~ was getting very tired. She kept asking to be carried, but we distracted her with the animal game. "Show me how a penguin hikes!" we'd tell her. Or, "How does a mermaid hike?" She loved it, and entertained us all as we walked down the mountain.

A~ slept in the car on the way back, and we finally made it home a little after six in the evening. An hour later we were on our way to the emergency room. What? Oh yes! An emergency! E-- was in the garage with Ammon as he unloaded the car, and she dug a tin can lid out of the recycling bin. She sliced the entire palm of her hand open. Blood was everywhere. We dropped A~ off at the neighbors and rushed E-- to the ER where she ended up getting six stitches. It was a horrible, traumatic experience. Two nurses had her wrapped up "papoose" style in a blanket, and were holding her down as the doctor first injected a numbing agent into the laceration, then irrigated and stitched it. By 9:15 we were on our way home, with a very long stop at the 24 hour pharmacist to get some antibiotics.



But here is where it gets even worse: we were stopped at a light, about to get on the freeway after picking up the prescription. All of a sudden we heard a distant screeeeeeech! and then BAM! We were rear ended. By a Suburban. Going 35 miles per hour.

The next hour is a blur of police reports and crying and complete and total shock. E-- was terrified, but calmed down quickly to be replaced by me freaking out and bawling. Everyone seemed fine at the time but my whiplashed neck has gotten progressively worse, and Ammon's back is stiff and sore.

Today found us both dazed and in pain, our brains still trying to make sense of the sludge that is last night. Dealing with insurance, car rental agencies, and making follow-up appointments for E-- at a pediatric hand specialist has been more than enough to drain us. Hopefully everyone's recovery will go smoothly, including our poor car. Criminy, what a night.

Oh lolly lollipop

So I was thinking about the phrase "like taking candy from a baby" today as my 16 month old flipped out when I tried to take back the lollipop she stole from me. A very, very misused phrase. Appropriately used, one might say, "Oh yes, giving birth was like taking candy from a baby. A lot of blood, screaming, and stitches."

Or perhaps, "Dude, I saw a wicked bar fight, and it was like taking candy from a baby! One guy's ear got ripped off and the other guy went to jail!"

Anyway, I never got my lollipop back.

Survey

My blogging friend from Life As Lou sent me these questions:

What talents do you have and which do you enjoy the most?

I usually find it hard to describe myself, but when I start to think about it I have a lot of talents. I am creative and innovative, both in artistic and practical ways. I can write fairly well, and sing too (although I am desperately afraid of singing in front of people, so no one has really witnessed that talent). What I like the most about myself is a little more intangible though. I believe I am kind and compassionate, and very empathetic. I feel like I can always understand where people are coming from emotionally, which seems to be a rare personality trait. I always try to see things from other people's perspectives, especially my kids. I think I'm a good mom, but I'm always striving to do better.

If you could 86 one modern invention for the good of society, what would it be?

That's a hard one. I'm tempted to say guns or bombs, but I also see the need for those things in certain situations. I guess my answer would be alcohol, although I guess that's not really modern. Alcohol is unnecessary and frivolous, and results in so many injuries (both physical and emotional). No more drunk drivers or drunk parents would be really nice. Oh wait- does Christina Aguilera count as a modern invention? She's scary...

What is the best book you’ve read this year and why?

This is so hard- there are so many! If I had to choose one, I'd say "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" by John Gottman, Phd. The science of emotional intelligence absolutely fascinates me. I think that all parents should read this book. If more parents were aware of the importance of teaching emotional intelligence to their kids, the world would be a much better place. A close second is "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker, and a close third is, well, Harry Potter. Harry Potter just rocks my world.

Are you most like a mosquito, a cutworm or a earwig? Why?

Well this question just grosses me out. I guess a mosquito, because the females go to such disgusting lengths for their babies. I would do anything for my kids, so I suppose that counts.

What is the most pivotal choice you have ever made? How does that choice affect you now?

That would absolutely have to be joining The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It filled the void in me that I had been so painfully aware of all my life. It answered all of my questions about life and death and purpose so completely and satisfyingly. It literally changed, and saved, my life. I am now living the way I always dreamed I would, and I know that becoming a member of this church is what did it.

Hello?

Hello? Where have you been all my life, oh Frugal Reader? Ye are so sublime!

Thanks so much to the lovely Amy from Excruciating Minutiae for enlightening me!

Another Good One

Comments From My Preschooler That When Heard Out Of Context Make Me Sound Like A Horrible Mother Part 3:

A~, speaking about her friend who was over for a playdate: "I don't want her to have a turn until she's naked!"

Oh, the craftiness!

I am so excited, because I found a bunch of the materials I use for my little crafty side business* on sale for 60% off. I went a little crazy and bought extremely large amounts of wooden letters. Let me tell you, there is nothing more fun than standing at the check out counter having the checker ring up your four jillion tiny items, with one child screaming just for fun, and the other one hiding the impulse items so she can find them the next time we come.

A~: "I'll just put these lollipops back here do we can get them next time."

Cash Register: "Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep."

E--: "Auuuggh! Ah! Ah!"

Cash Register: "Beep. Beep. Beep."

A~: "And these pencils. I'll put them here so nobody else buys them."

Cash Register: "Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep."

E--: "Ooooooooooohhh! MA MA MA!"

Checker Lady (over the intercom): "Can I get some help up at the register please?"







*I make personalized name canvases. They are so frickin cute. Here's an example:

Wow

Can I just say how much I love Jordis?

That chick is AMAZING. I actually hope she doesn't win Rock Star INXS because I want to buy her solo album.

No More Ad Slogan Titles, They Got Annoying

Ok, have you ever noticed that out of the eight Disney Princesses (I'm talking about Ariel, Mulan, Snow White, Cinderella, Pocahontas, Sleeping Beauty, Belle, and Jasmine for those of you less educated on the subject), only TWO of them have mothers? And out of those two, Mulan and Sleeping Beauty, only Mulan lives with her mother. All of the rest have either died or are mysteriously not mentioned.

Umm... what kind of message is Disney trying to send to our kids? Think of the other Disney characters whose mothers have died: Bambi, Nemo, Mowgli, Tarzan... The list goes on and on! Doesn't this seem like some kind of conspiracy to you? Or maybe they just know they'd never have any good plot lines if the mothers were there. Do you think for one minute that Ariel would have gotten mixed up with that good for nothing sea witch if her mother had been around? Mommy mermaid would have taken care of the whole "loving a human" situation with much less evil magic and voice stealing. And there's no way Belle's mom would have let her sweet young daughter shack up with that hairy beast. No way. She would have made Maurice get a real job and stop tinkering around with those silly inventions of his, and Belle would have married a nice, stable man without a rage problem.

Peter Pan's Lord of the Flies situation would have been shut down pronto if he had a mother, and all of the Lost Boys thoroughly scrubbed. I think they should do a remake of Snow White with her mother giving her a stern talking to. What would seven tiny men really want a nubile young woman living with them for? SEX, that's what! The poor girl would have been in some real trouble if she hadn't choked on that apple and gotten herself out of there.

I'm with Kanga; a warm bath and some gooey chocolate chip cookies can solve a multitude of problems.

Gather 'Round the Good Stuff

Comments From My Preschooler That When Heard Out Of Context Make Me Sound Like A Horrible Mother Part 2:

Me: A~, why are you naked?

A~: Because I want to be a human!


And also, a big shout out to my therapist who always makes me feel less crazy. Raise the roof!

How do you spell relief? R-O-L-A-I-D-S!

Sometimes I just feel like the biggest failure that ever walked the planet. Kinda feeling that way tonight.

There are so many things that I can't do (don't do? won't do?). Exhibit A: cleaning the bathrooms. A necessity. And yet I don't do it. Our shower grows black mold and if for some strange reason we decided to lick the wall we would contract some nasty mold disease and die, I am sure of it. I mean, EVENUTALLY I clean it. But it takes a really really long time to get to that point. And the dishes. I hardly ever do them, my husband does. If it were up to me, we would have been out of clean dishes sometime back in the year 2000. He also does a lot of the laundry and general clutter pick-up. I usually sweep and vacuum- woo-hoo! Hooray for me! I can do an eight year old's job!

I feel like I let my family down all the time. There's always something that needs to be done, and I usually choose to not do it. So I thought, okay, humble yourself and ask for help. It's alright to need help with the deep cleaning stuff, you have kids to take care of and that's a full-time job by itself. We scheduled a cleaning lady to come. And I failed at that. How can you fail at having someone come CLEAN YOUR HOUSE FOR YOU? Well, folks, if there's something to fail at I can usually manage to do it. First, I forgot she was coming to meet me and see the house. She had to wait on the porch with her husband for I don't know how long (she is very patient) because I was in the backyard and couldn't hear the door or phone. Then, I forgot to call her back and let her know when to come. A week later, her husband called to ask if we were still interested (we had been on vacation). Then, I forgot that she was coming on Monday morning at 8:00. The house had thrown up on itself, so there were no actual surfaces for her to clean, and this was the one day the kids slept in until 9:00 and then had diarrhea. She had left before I even made it downstairs. So we rescheduled for tomorrow morning, but the house has yet again become a disaster zone and there's no way I can have it ready for her in the morning. I know it sounds weird, cleaning before your cleaning lady comes but she asked me very nicely to please move all of my crap so she would have access to the places that need to be cleaned. Crap not moved. So, 11:00 at night, I had my husband call and cancel.

And then I bawled on the stairs because I am such a loser mommy I will never teach my children good values about cleanliness and order because I am a gigantic mess myself with no hope of ever getting my act together.

Don't even get me started on the cat's litter box.

Got Milk?

Welcome to the first installment in what I'm sure will become a regular category here on Eulallia dot com:

Comments From My Preschooler That When Heard Out Of Context Make Me Sound Like A Horrible Mother!

Today's comment:

"I'm going to see if we have any milk... Nope, no milk, just a big black bug."




P.S. Ad Slogans Title Week is indefinitely extended because I really like it.